


In Memoriam

by tmwillson3



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cemetery, Children, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmwillson3/pseuds/tmwillson3
Summary: Ben, Rey, Leia, and Chewie visit Han's grave on the fourth anniversary of his death. Ben reflects.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30
Collections: A Rey by Any Other Name





	In Memoriam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DottieSnark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DottieSnark/gifts).



> Hi, I have many feelings about Father's Day, so DottieSnark, I hope you enjoy this! You seem to like angst, and this was what your moodboard inspired.

"May the souls of the faithful departed … rest in peace."

He could barely get the last lines of the prayer out before he was choked up, the loss of his father still fresh - even if it had been four years ago when the courier delivered his mother's letter. 

The acutest burst of pain had shot through his heart then, making him double over on the cold ground and keep a steadying hand on his desk as he tried to breathe. Never again would he see his father's smiling face, or hear the voice that shouted proper court etiquette but whispered that he should follow his heart and do what was right for him. 

There was a Han-sized hole in his heart that could never be filled, and Ben mourned that his father would never see him become a man or have his approval. 

So many possibilities were cut off in one moment. The former knight and now leader of his kingdom's army had already seen how precious life was on the battlefield, but this  _ broke _ him. He couldn't eat for days, walking around in a haze and hiding from his men so they wouldn't see his red-rimmed raccoon eyes. He knew he needed to go home to his mother, but he felt angry. Inconsolable. Helpless. 

Just like then, he still felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness now. He always felt it when he thought of his father, that bone-chilling emptiness that never left him and kept him restless. 

Had his father died knowing he had been loved? Had he been happy? Or was he sad and disappointed because of his son? Would he be proud of his son now, or not?

Ben already questioned himself at every turn; his father's death only magnified those feelings of doubt and his tendency toward self-loathing. Every wrong action or word he had ever said always came to the forefront of his mind of how he could've done better. Each arrow of distrust in himself further cracked his already broken heart, and tears pricked at his eyes, making him feel even more useless and weak.

However, unlike then, he had comfort: he wasn't alone in his grief. He was loved, in spite of his faults and weaknesses. Two different hands - one old, weathered, and wrinkled and the other rougher at points but younger, more supple - comforted him. The first rubbed circles into his shoulder while the other rested on top of the white knuckles that clutched the beat-up, leatherbound book of prayers that he had just shut, unwilling to look at the words that laughed at him.

Peace. 

What was peace? He certainly hadn't experienced it in his own life. All he had ever known was fighting parents, a crushing legacy, and the pressure to put the kingdom first and himself second. He had never felt comfortable in his own skin until he joined the army, and even then, he put up a tough front to hide his conflict and weaknesses. 

The country was  _ always  _ at war, with only brief stints of quiet that were more torture than anything else.

No one in his family knew how to deal with peace, if they were really being honest. 

Everyone  _ told _ King Ben Solo that his father was at peace now, that he was in a better place. 

It still didn't bring his father back after dying in his sleep so Ben could embrace his father one last time. It still didn't erase the sins of the past, all the times Ben could've reached out to his father while at court but never did. 

It meant the broken bond between father and son was forever torn asunder, never to have closure after Ben became a knight and effectively banished himself for five years in order to prove himself. It was the one thing Ben mourned most. 

It meant Han never saw peace within his lands. It would only follow in the wake of his death, when his son finally brought lasting peace by trying to banish the demons within by killing the ones on the outside. That wasn't what brought Ben some sense of calm, though. 

It meant Han never saw his son marry the love of his life. She was the same woman Ben turned to after killing the current usurper, Snoke; she was the one growing up who had always held and comforted him, then agreed to marry him soon after the war because Ben finally understood what was important in life. 

Love and family were what mattered most. It took losing his father to see it, just as it did for his mother. All the men in his family had been imperfect kings and fathers, a cruel cycle that left each son feeling abandoned and alone.

In that state of brokenness, Ben had met someone who felt even more abandoned: Rey. She became his beacon of light, and even his father saw it in the bright eyes and renewed sense of purpose Ben had after every visit to Rey. 

Ben snuck away into the forest to see her many times since she lived in the next kingdom over. Sight unseen and despite knowing her origins, Han covered for Ben countless times so that the young lovers could meet under the cover of night and exchange fevered kisses and ardent vows, just as Han once did when he smuggled supplies to Luke and Leia's army.

Han had said back then in a moment of wisdom to Ben, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Ben didn't understand the truth behind those words until much later, until he married Rey. No longer did the new King and Queen of Alderaan fear for every twig that crackled underfoot as they sprinted alone in the dark, hiding their true feelings. Now, they walked together in front of all proudly, forever united. 

Today, they walked a little slower, their steps heavier with sadness. Their boots crunched on the gravel leading to Han's simple gravestone, and all sound from kneeling side-by-side was cushioned by the dewy grass, candles and tulips in hand. 

Certain smells triggered certain memories or people for Ben. Vanilla made him think of Rey, from her tendency to live in the kitchens as a child. Parchment reminded him of his mother and all the missives she wrote. Leather and orchids for his father. His father's favorite things to smuggle were leather goods since he was always wearing them, as well as short, stout candles that smelled like orchids. 

No one, not even Chewie, Han's closest adviser, knew why Han liked them so much.

When Han had passed, Leia had sent seven of those orchid-scented candles to Ben, asking him to burn one each day in honor of Han since he was too far away to attend the funeral procession. Ben had dutifully burned them and returned home in time for the one-month anniversary of Han's death, which really became a celebration of life. 

Han had always loved a good party, and he had joked with Chewie that when he died, they should throw a party for him. Due to the suddenness of his death, the party didn't occur until a month later. By then, Ben came back, arm-in-arm and newly engaged to Rey, and everyone lit a candle for Han before lining his grave and the local church aisles with all their candles, the smell of orchids filling the air. 

As the golden sun rose on a clear, bright morning, painting the skies a light pink amid the solemn gravestones, the four adults placed more candles in front of Han's grave in honor of the anniversary of his death. The scent of the candles made Ben feel slightly nauseous, as he always associated them now with the death of his father. 

Once the candles were set out, Rey and Chewie placed red tulips on top of Han's grave before Leia and Ben held hands and took their turn. Stately Leia went first, placing purple ones, and Ben followed with white ones, as was his custom. 

He may never see his father again in person, but he could do one thing in light of their imperfect relationship: forgive his father for the past wrongs. It was time to let the past die now that Han was gone. 

In time and with much encouragement from Rey, Ben would learn to apply the same logic to himself in order to forgive himself. Her love and belief in his innate goodness convicted him.

Rey had only met Han after Ben joined the army, but she had been welcomed with open arms by both of Ben's parents after that. She thought of Han like the father she never knew, and Leia was the mother she always wanted. 

Han's death was what reunited his broken family, and Rey was the glue that held it together afterward, becoming the bridge from mother to son and much more within a year of marriage. The union of Rey and Ben brought something new to the Skywalker family: hope.

Hope that things didn't have to stay the same. Hope that they could break the cycle.

For just as death and decay feeds new life, so a new cycle was born from Han's death: an awakening, an awareness that things needed to change. 

Ben saw it just as much as Rey and his mother did, and the awakening started when Ben came home. It was discussed at length when Ben and Rey were married and became rulers of Alderaan. It was put into action when Ben received the news that Rey was pregnant.

Ben knew without a shadow of a doubt that he didn't want his children to grow up like him and his family before him, not knowing that they were loved. 

They finally had peace in their lands, and it was time to cement that peace within their lives and hearts. Their children could have something wholly new and different, and Ben couldn't have been more excited to bring it to fruition. 

The two toddler twins with curly, black hair and their mother's eyes were worth every bit of communication and work, to give them a better life. 

As the two pairs of feet ran about screaming nonsense words, they eventually came to rest, huddling around their father's legs after he stood up from laying down the tulips.

They were the light of his life, and between the love he had for Rey and for his children, they had begun to mend together the broken pieces of Ben's heart. For the cracks in his heart allowed new light and love to shine in, to show him how much better it could be so that his children received every ounce of love he always wanted. 

Ben and Rey each picked up a child, and Leia cleared her throat.

"Han would be so proud of you right now. This is all he ever wanted for you: to find love and be happy."

Chewie voiced his approval of Leia's words and rested large, hairy arms around both new parents. 

"You've breathed new life into these lands. There's nothing better you could do to honor his memory than this."

At some level, Ben knew they were both right. Han had lived a good, colorful life, and he had tried to do the same for Ben in his own way. Now, it was Ben's turn to learn from the mistakes of his father so that he could live out his father's wisdom and save the thing he loved most: his family. 

And in doing that, Ben found what he had always wanted: peace. 

Then, Han was truly at peace. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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